Reality --- check!

In my 20s I thought life was about “family”…  NOT  the way I’d grown up, more like the Brady Bunch… No, that was a little too idealistic even, maybe… Bewitched was more of what I considered closer to normal, or Gilligan’s Island… Yes, that’s it… a group of “castaways” that are lost on an island and become a “family” of sorts. I wanted to get married, get the right job (we didn’t call it a career back then), buy a house, have a baby (or 3), and find the perfect place to settle down and raise my baby (or 3). But above all – Keep in shape and don’t let anything change! Keep dancing, playing softball, doing gymnastics, working out with weights at the gym, playing racquetball, tennis, going to the beach, hiking, riding bicycles, riding motorcycles, going 4-wheeling (as in 4-wheel-drive trucks, Jeeps, Blazers, Broncos), go camping, water skiing, snow skiing, keep dancing (I meant to repeat that one).. Keep Dancing!!! … And to the best of my ability… I did! At the risk of my body’s tolerance and my own personal health and well-being, I did it all! I was Wonder Woman/Supermom… and I got very sick!

In my 30s I started to see that I was different, and idealistic, and that being Wonder Woman/Supermom wasn’t working out for me. I began to see how I’d always been different and I thought I needed to change and learn to be like everyone else and get well and healthy again. I was still a little idealistic though and believed in those hidden powers that would reverse autoimmune disease/disorders – all 4 of the ones that had taken over my body! I thought if I just totally understood how the mind/body/emotions worked and the nature of all disorders, diseases, and dysfunctions, I could FIX IT ALL! I am naturally an extremely hard-working, diligent, perfectionist. I have always pushed the limits of my Self in every way… so why would this be any different? Figure out what went wrong and FIX IT! That has probably been my mindset since I was born… What’s wrong? How did it get that way? How do I fix it? I spent my 30s mastering this... “FIX IT!”

 But… not everything can be fixed!

Not all diseases can be healed and not all dysfunctions can be made functional and some autoimmune disorders cannot be reversed. Oh me oh my… what’s an idealistic, “goody two shoes”, Polly Anna, perfectionist, Wonder Woman/Supermom supposed to do???

In my 40s I learned that I am different… Wait, isn’t that what I’d already learned? Didn’t I learn that in my 30s? Well… Yes! But in my 40s I took it to another level – Like to the top of the Empire State Building!!! In their 40s, MEN have their “mid-life crisis”… So why did I have a complete crumbling of my own? I was a woman having a complete breakdown of faith and crises of Self, all my beliefs and hopes and dreams. The realities of life crashed in on me like a Tsunami and crushed my heart! I had lost my guidance (my grandparents) and my compass was broken and everything I thought I had known I realized was all not true! Well, that’s how it felt! My foundation was shattered and I was in quicksand. Every movement sucked me further down… but I couldn’t just do nothing! I am the girl who FIXES IT! I am Wonder Woman/Supermom and … Oh I forgot to mention I’m also “Darling Daughter”!

In my 40s I learned the truly hard lessons of life… Reality and Truth! And the truth hurts! Quicksand! No GPS! Broken Compass! Alone! Swim Patty Swim! No… Don’t Move! You’re in Quicksand!... I learned to just be still and breathe!

In my 40s (and the first year of my 50s because I am just that special) I moved 13 times! I had to start over 13 times! I learned the hard way. If your foundation is weak it will crumble and fall away and you will crash! Hard! In my 40s I learned the most valuable lesson of all – TRUST! When you trust the wrong people or trust in the wrong things you will get hurt! Really really hurt! Really really bad! Your world will come tumbling down and you will find yourself in a pile of rubble out in the middle of nowhere… or … in a “Shack on Jacks in the Sticks” (a dilapidated trailer outside of Ojai). That’s where I learned to be still and breathe.

I had always believed in God and I’ve always prayed and I’ve always felt like there were Angels around me – but… I broke! … I questioned God. I questioned Life. My reality was not the fairy tale people thought. My reality was an ugly, sad, painful, train wreck. And I had to dig deep… Walk! Breathe! I had the dogs. I had Droo and Cloe. They needed to be walked and fed. Thank God. They loved car rides and day trips to the beach. Thank God. And I often had Buddy too… 3 Angel babies to love me and need me. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. In my 40s I learned all about TRUST! Trust only your tried and true lifelong friends, your daughter, and your dogs! And then… rebuild your foundation so you can find your faith again and trust in God… and then, yourself!

In my 50s… Well, since 50 is the New 30… I am coming full circle! Truth! Word! Everything I’ve ever been through in my life I am revisiting… Or should I say it is all catching up with me! Wonder Woman? Not so much! Acceptance without guilt or shame… not so easy… it is the goal. Forgiveness is a big word because it is a big thing! And I have now moved 14 times. But this time it is starting over with a foundation underneath me that I can trust!

TRUST is that double-edge sword that I’ve been wounded by over and over and must make peace with. You can’t beat yourself up for not knowing what you don’t know! I learned a valuable lesson from a shark… If you find yourself in the water with a shark… Float!... Don’t move or a make a sound! Be still! Just Float! It’s the same with Quicksand… Just be still! Eventually the shark swims away. Eventually someone throws you a life line. In my 50s I am being tested on all that I have learned. Reality – check! Truth – check! Faith – check! Who you can trust – check! What Love is – check! Who your “family” really is – check! Acceptance – yea that’s what the 50s is all about… now that you know… forgive, let go, accept, and don’t take any more shit! I’m still here for a reason. I get to start over and I am grateful. I appreciate everything. I love and feel with my whole being and if I’m different that is ok. Wonder Woman? Hah! There’s no such thing! We are all just human beings doing what we know and always changing, learning, growing. In my 50s I am GRATEFUL! In my 50s I am reconnecting with the things and people from my childhood that are putting me back together again! And it is good! I’ve learned that if you let the negative, sadness, of the past gently fall away… it does. If you keep acknowledging it and letting it flow through you and letting it go… it gets easier and easier. If you keep refocusing on the positive things in life and appreciation for good… it also gets easier and it builds upon itself. The sadness gets less and less being replaced with peace, then appreciation, then joy. It really does. It takes time and diligence but it really does get better.

My First Year as a Country Girl

On December 26, 2012 I packed up my Toyota rental car with my belongings. Droo, my Cocker Spaniel, rode shotgun buckled in with his Sherpa-lined winter harness. Buddy, my Chihuahua, rode in the backseat tucked into his bed and blankets all nice and cozy and we set out on our journey across the country. We left SUNNY Southern California to start a new life in the Midwest. I planned to drive straight through to Illinois with only quick stops along the way to take potty breaks and little naps. I love to drive and my "boys" love to ride in the car so it was not all that crazy for me to do. Just me and my dogs on an adventure across the country. But 3 days in the car did get to be a little too much and Droo got a "time-out" in the front seat for bad behavior. I was in Kansas and still several hours away from my destination on the 3rd night feeling very tired so I found a hotel that allowed dogs in the room and we spent the night. Buddy did not want to get back in the car the next morning so we had a little drama but I finally convinced him that getting his collar and leash back on was going to happen one way or another and we WERE getting back in the car. Once he was back in his cozy bed he was happy again and settled in for the last leg of the trip. Droo hates time-outs so he was on his best behavior. We arrived in Quincy, Illinois on December 29, 2012. I left a decade of overwhelming (and honestly quite unbelievable) traumas, losses and tragedies behind.

December 30, 2013... My first year in the Midwest. I have a very good sense of humor. My "brother" (well, we have adopted each other as siblings though we were not born into the same family) says I had to grow into my funny. Over the years I learned to make a joke out of everything that happened and see the humor in all things... I'm grateful for that. I laugh at myself all the time and that makes everyone around me laugh. That is a good thing because life in the Midwest is so completely different from Southern California living and I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into. It's not just "country living" that is different, oh no, it is a whole different way of thinking and feeling and doing and saying and EATING! I used to be considered a good cook. In fact, I was somewhat of a gourmet cook. In the Midwest that doesn't fly. I learned quickly that "gourmet" here means "not edible". The "meat and potatoes" diet is for real! I used to make mashed potatoes once a year, on Thanksgiving. I am now the Mashed Potatoes Queen! I didn't eat a lot of red meat in California and a good steak was a rare treat. Red meat makes up more than 50% of my diet now. I'm not complaining just stating facts. I have gained 10 lbs on this "meat and potatoes" diet! (Fortunately my guy likes my "curves"). I make a killer meatloaf now and this summer I made spaghetti sauce from our homegrown tomatoes!

We joke about my naivete of country living in the Midwest constantly. Every single day I learn something new and we call it my Midwest Country Lesson of the day. Yesterday I learned about decoys. A flock of geese in the cornfield... all decoys... to bring in the geese flying over so they will come in to eat. In California if you heard a gunshot you took cover and called the police. Here gunshots are such a normal sound no one even notices them, except me of course. You see, hunting here is not a seasonal thing... it is a way of life. You are either a hunter or you're not and a hunter is always thinking about it... I mean it is just part of your life and thinking about the way the wind is blowing, where the deer are or the turkeys or the geese, the ducks, the doves, the pheasant... thinking about it is as natural as breathing.

The other day I learned about "Sale Barns" and I was in hysterics... sleep deprivation did play a small part in that. Now if you say "sale" to a California Beach Girl she thinks racks and shelves of items with neon colored signs showing slashed prices... CLEARANCE 60-75% off. Now just imagine the vision I had of going to the "Sale Barn" to purchase calves on sale. And not just calves, there are all kinds of animals... pigs, cows, goats, llamas, horses, sheep, possibly a giraffe or a camel... Oh my! I was in hysterical tears. And my boyfriend, his mother and his brother were laughing at me! But, seriously... can't you just imagine a Clearance Sale on animals in a barn?

I should have kept a daily journal this year of all my Midwest Country Lessons. I really did learn at least one new thing every single day! And it made my new family laugh at me all the time :) ... I provide the entertainment just by being a silly girl from California. I learned about Hayrack Rides... I didn't even know what a Hayrack was! I learned about farming and farm equipment. I learned about weather patterns and when Midwesterners say it is going to get cold they mean single digits, oh and that means with the wind chill factor it "feels like" below zero. It's a different language. I learned about tornadoes and green skies and winds out of the North or South, or East or West. I learned that produce is not a natural commodity in abundance here like it is in So Cal. That was a hard lesson for me. I could not get it into my head that fresh produce is not always available here. What do you mean you don't know what shallots are? What do you mean apples are not in season? What the heck is going on here? I can't get fresh lettuce? LOL! Yep... I am that silly California girl!

But the sunsets are more beautiful than I could imagine. I thought I would miss my Cali sunsets but I do not! The sunsets here are gorgeous! And I LOVE the country! I can't imagine a more beautiful and serene place to live with a lake out the front door and a farm out the back door. I saw a skunk crossing the road the other night and I squealed with delight. I see deer almost every time we drive into town. Last winter there were Bald Eagles on the lake. Last week there were Swans on the lake! I love the snow and I was absolutely blown away by the fall colors! Rabbits live in our yard. The lake is full of turtles. There was a Great Blue Heron here all summer. There are 3 different kinds of geese but I can't identify them yet.

I am learning to cook in a whole new way. I feel like I am 18 again and starting all over with no experience. I let him do the frying because I am just not comfortable with hot oil but it's fun to be cooking together. We found The Pioneer Woman (Ree Drummond) on Food Network and now I have her latest cookbook. We try her recipes and follow her ways of cooking. She is an "accidental country girl" like me so I feel a kinship with her.

The "boys" are adjusting to life here. They love exploring the big backyard and chasing rabbits and squirrels. It's been a challenge to get them to understand boundaries. In California there are strict rules about leashes and the only time my dogs were free was at a dog park or certain beaches. Here there are no fences but they needed to learn to not be going off into the neighbors' yards They do not like the cold. Especially Buddy! He hates the snow and refuses to wear a jacket. Droo is getting used to it as long as he has a jacket on. Roxy, the sweet black lab that welcomed us into her life, loves the snow and the cold. She tolerates these silly California boys.

So it's been a year... of lessons learned and new experiences. Most of all it has been about love. I learned that being with the right person makes all the difference. There were traumas and losses but I am not going to write about any of that here. In life there are always going to be events that sadden us and challenge us to make us stronger and focus on what is important.

My photography is taking on a new life. I have set up a Gallery on Facebook... Patty Hagedorn Photography. Please Like the page and share this life with me. It makes me happy to share beauty and joy with others.


https://www.facebook.com/pages/Patty-Hagedorn-Photography/629150070438274?ref=hl

HAPPY NEW YEAR Y'ALL

I have always been a Southern California Beach Girl. Then, at 51, my "First Love" found me and I moved to Illinois "farm country". I took pictures to show my daughter and my "Cali family" my new life. My photos took on a life of their own and in the process some amazing healing happened. My "first love" is my True Love. He adores my photos and my passion about life as I see it, supporting me in every step of my journey. My intention is to share with others the joy, tranquility, beauty and awe I find in life! May your heart be touched and lifted up! ♥ May a smile come upon your face! :)