I have been told 2 things most of my life, for as long as I can remember... 1) "You should write a book about your life" and 2) "Don't tell people your stories, it's too much to deal with". So, understandably, I have been torn in half for as long as I can remember. Write, don't write. Speak up, don't speak at all. I decided "journaling" was a good solution. Write but don't share. The process of writing it down was good enough, right? I didn't need to share anything with anyone! Safe! Protected!
When I came to the Midwest and took pictures I showed them to a few people and they encouraged me to share them with the world! What??? No way!!! That makes me vulnerable and open to criticism, judgment, and I don't do well with that. But the encouragement kept coming. "Take pictures and share them. Write your story... share your stories with others".The first time I put photos on Facebook I was literally shaking and terrified. I know, I am a little bit of a freak. But the encouragement was overwhelming. The positive feedback gave me the support I needed to keep going. I started a blog (because I was encouraged to do that too) and it's funny, the one post that has had the most views is the one with no photos... it is the one where I just wrote "my story". What the heck?
I am by nature a positive person who has been through unbelievable traumas that turned me into a much less positive person. The weight of all the losses, all the traumas, was a burden that clouded my outlook. When I was in Jr. High, in the mid-70s, I had a pair of "Elton John" sunglasses with red lenses. People always commented that I literally saw the world through "Rose-Colored Glasses" and it fit me perfectly. I have been told many, many times that I see only the good, the best, in everyone and everything (to my own demise). But that changed over the years between 1998 and 2013. The "rose-colored glasses" changed into just plain glasses. And no one wants to hear a "Polly-Anna" or super positive person being realistic or negative. It just isn't right. It feels like the earth is off its axis or something. So how could I write about my life or share my photos without being exposed? How could I do this without being vulnerable or worse, hurting someone else's feelings, or making someone feel bad in any way? I have to always be positive and only show what is good, happy, upbeat, uplifting! Right?
Well... maybe not. Last week I started reading a book "The Dogs Were Rescued (and so was I)"... and I instantly connected with this woman. The very first chapter, page 4. She tells me how she had been through so much that she dreaded the holidays. She describes her history with accidents, deaths, cancer diagnoses (note the plural on all of those). Oh my God! It hit me like a Tsunami! I had forgotten! I had actually forgotten that my life had been overwhelmed by death, loss, trauma, over and over for several years and that was the burden I had been living with that made me sad and negative, seeing the world through less-than-rose-colored-glasses. Being in the Midwest, completely out of my reality, feeling like I was living on a different planet, trying to make sense of every single little different thing, and taking pictures of it all, had lifted me out of the fog of grief. I suddenly felt a euphoria that I had not experienced before. And I was so very thankful for this woman writing this book. In her sharing her stories, her grief and all that she had dealt with, I connected emotionally and had an instant awareness of my own life.
I must give credit where it is due. Richard, my boyfriend whom I am currently living with, has been telling me for the 22 months that I have been here, that my photos are special and have an effect on others, and my life stories need to be shared. My daughter has been telling me the same thing for years, maybe in different words. And there are the friends who have told me that sharing sadness is just as vital as sharing joy and they love my photos. But, I have that split-down-the-middle dialogue in my head from when I was very young... write, don't write... speak up, don't speak at all... share your pictures, no don't show anyone... And I don't do well with criticism. In fact, the idea of "constructive criticism" is lost on me... there is nothing constructive about criticism to me!
In the last couple of weeks I have been on a roller-coaster. We took Droo to the vet to be weighed because he had lost quite a bit of weight since he got sick with the Pneumonia and the Megaesophagus. Dr. Melissa checked his lungs and said he has pneumonia again for the second time and he has lost 7 pounds. He went from a healthy 30 pounds to 23 pounds. I already knew that. My Droo Bear is not the fluffy bear anymore. When I am massaging him after he eats and feel his bones my heart aches. I had been feeding him his new canned food that I make into little bit-sized meatballs, about 10-12 at a time, twice a day and then holding him upright and massaging his sides to move the food down into his tummy. But that wasn't enough. We propped his bed up on one side so his head and chest was elevated but during the night he would often move around and his head ended up below his belly so the contents came back into his chest and he got pneumonia again. We have alot of sleepless nights with him coughing and gagging which is distressing and exhausting. But we keep finding ways to make it better. I moved his food up onto the step stool so he eats standing on the bottom step and he is almost straight up and down. I feed him his meatballs 3-4 times a day now and continue with the massages after every meal. We got him a new bed that has a raised pillow all the way around it so his head is propped up all the time, but Buddy often takes over this bed so I improvise with pillows and blankets wherever Droo sleeps. We have good nights and bad. When Droo is sleeping peacefully I watch to make sure he is breathing. When he is snoring I can sleep because I know he is breathing and not choking. The coughing and gagging scares me to death but so does the silence. I know there will be a day, or a night, when I have to let him go and that thought hurts so bad I can't bear it. For now, I am focusing on making his meatballs, feeding him 3-4 times a day, putting his pills in his meatballs, massaging him, propping up his head and chest so he can sleep without coughing, and celebrating his good days. He may have a few more years in him to be happy, right?
Also last week my dad got married! He had told me he was going to get married after the first of the year but, as my dad has been making a habit of doing, he decided not to wait. He left a voicemail on my phone last weekend that they would be leaving in the morning for Las Vegas and by the end of the week they would be married! Honestly, I have not actually met this woman he is marrying, and the way I know her is... well... less than ideal, but she has turned his life around and lifted him out of depression so I love her. Yay dad! Be happy! I wish for them... "And they lived happily ever after!"
And then there is the Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was diagnosed with this disease in 1988 and I have been in and out of remission several times over the 26 years that I have been dealing with it. In fact, I believed I had kicked it to the curb for good when I was in remission for 3-1/2 years. But, sadly, that was not true and I was just living in my own delusion that I had beaten it. The disease that I have been battling since I was in my 20s has finally progressed to a level in my body that I can no longer hide it, ignore it, or deny it. I am in the process of Disability Determination which has been extremely emotional and very hard for me to deal with. I was supposed to be the one who conquered this disease and not be disabled and disfigured by it. That was my life path... so I thought. Guess I was wrong about that too. Now, I am 53 years old and facing the facts of my life that I have this crippling disease and as much fighting as I have done to keep it from hindering me in any way, well... it has caught up with me anyway. Acceptance? Reality? Positive or Negative? It is what it is. I have to deal with it. Every single minute of every single day.
So... there it is. The good and the not-so-good. Reality. Life. Today I am sitting on the bed with ice packs on my knees but my fingers are working pretty well. Droo is resting quietly at the moment on his bed with his head propped up and he is breathing just fine. He is wrapped up "red burrito" style in the red vest that desperately needs to be washed (he coughed up alot of yuckiness last night), but he is good right now and that makes me happy. Buddy is soaking up the sun in the only spot in the house where sun is coming in and he is warm, content. That makes me happy too.
Richard is hunting today with a friend in Iowa. He is having a good time and that makes me happy as well. I have about 100 photos from the day trips we took in October. I guess I need to get to work sharing.
Maybe by sharing my stories and photos someone else will connect and have an amazing awareness that brings a moment of euphoria to them. That is my hope and my reason for doing it.
Patty Hagedorn Photography
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