When I lost my grandfather to Cancer and Alzheimer's it changed me! How my brilliant, healthy, active grandpa could be taken down by these diseases was beyond my comprehension. My grandfather... Julian R. West of the Defense Department of the United States, held multiple degrees, multiple Black Belts, and could do a standing back flip well into his 70s (maybe even when he was 80). My grandfather worked at the Pentagon and traveled all over the world. When he retired from that he was a Professor at UCLA and a Professional Photographer, still traveling all over the world, to photograph all things beautiful and create the most wonderful slide shows to share it all with others! He was a member of the YMCA, working out and sponsoring others til the day he passed. I adored him. And had good reason to. Not just because he was my grandpa who took me fishing as a little girl and taught me all about nature. Not just because he fed squirrels on his desk at his home office in Alexandria, Virginia, and always called me in to sit quietly and watch these interactions... But, he was a generous, kind, brilliant man and worthy of being adored. I could not understand how this man, my grandpa, could be taken by Cancer and Alzheimer's Disease.
So, my "purpose" in life shifted to studying medicine, healing, reversing any and all autoimmune disorders, changing the course of genetic and inherited causes. My passion was on full tilt and I was going to find cures for everything and help everyone and make damn sure my daughter never ever got any of these things I was aware of!
I wasn't completely delusional. I knew I couldn't single-handedly cure everything and save the whole world. But I was absolutely determined to save my daughter and as many others as possible.
Okay, so I may have been a little delusional. I was over 40 when I went back to school and plunged myself into my purpose to cure disease. I didn't have a specific focus -- People AND Animals! Western AND Eastern Medicine! Main Stream AND Alternative AND Complementary! I wanted to have ALL the answers! My grandfather passed on to me a bright mind and an overwhelming NEED to KNOW and UNDERSTAND! Along with my own huge compassion and my passion to FIX. HEAL. CURE!
What my grandfather did not pass on to me, unfortunately, was his realistic, down-to-earth, "common sense". Without my grandpa to guide me and keep me grounded in the realities of life, to navigate the tough terrain and help me with all the obstacles... I crashed and burned! Oh, I did great in College. I got A's and was on The Dean's List. I found out I was much smarter than I remembered. And I totally loved it. I loved studying and learning! So, you would think I was on the right path and this Chapter would have a happy ending. If you don't already know this story... well... I'll just wrap it up with this -- For reasons I can't talk about at this time, my "purpose" and my passion for healing, curing disease, finding all the answers, became just a shattered dream. Well... of course it did. Because I was an idealistic, passionate, slightly delusional, scarred woman with a high IQ and no "common sense" (so to speak). There is a saying that describes me perfectly: "Book Smart and People Stupid".
Yep.
You know those people with genius IQs that have little or no understanding of people and the way others think. I can relate. I never knew any of this about myself growing up though. I didn't know everyone else doesn't think like me! I was told my compassion was my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. What? So... anyway... you get the picture. Now, where was I going with this? Passion... Purpose... Bucket List...?
How many times can a person have the rug yanked out from under them, get beat with it.. have their hopes and dreams crushed... be stabbed in the back... knocked down and kicked while they're down... Betrayal? Life Lessons? Karma?
Well... No matter how many times, you gotta get back up if you can. You gotta lick your wounds and take some time to recover. You will naturally protect yourself, you can't help it. You will get jaded. You can't help that either. But, if you keep focusing on what is the truth of who you are at your very core... You can survive and you can recover and you can heal and you can get back up again. Hopefully you've learned something of value and you don't repeat it. You breathe and you put your shoes on and you put one foot in front of the other and you walk again.
But... while you're down... you have time to really think! You have time to go over all that you've experienced, both good and bad. You can learn from it. And that's what I did. I took every single awful and painful experience, every moment, and looked for the lesson in it. That's a lot of lessons! Whew! I wrote it all down. I've disposed of so many journals, notebooks, stacks of paper. I never counted them. When I was done with them I would burn them or they'd go in a dumpster. I would vow to be a new, improved, person having learned all these lessons! I would never have a "dream" again and I would never get hurt again and my "passion"... passion only gets you hurt.
But ---
What is in your Soul and what you were born to do is in your DNA. You can turn away from your heart's desire. You can turn off passion. You can shut it down, but your DNA doesn't change. Your broken dreams can be in pieces all around you and you can cut yourself picking them up, but somewhere in there is your DNA and it is a scientific fact that your DNA is your individual code. Your very own, unique, authentic blueprint for life. So... fast forward > The life-changing, mind-altering, heart-breaking, soul-crushing events and experiences have left those idealistic and irrational dreams in pieces all around me.. I leave them there and turn to walk away. One of those pieces is stuck to me. I'm afraid of touching it. It will cut me, I'm sure of that. But it is sticking to me. I try to shake it off and it won't get off of me! Stupid piece! I try to pick it up but when I touch it I have a panic attack! My heart has a mind of its own and a really good memory! So... I leave the piece where it is. It stays! And for a while... years... it stays right there. Stuck to me. I've been able to ignore it and carry on.
Do you want to know what happens?
Here it is ~
It's all in the DNA. The overwhelming need I have to know and understand things is in my DNA. The overpowering desire to learn is also in there. And the things my grandfather handed down to me... in my DNA. My love for nature and the way my grandmother showed me to look at things, to really see them and appreciate it... in my DNA. The lack of understanding about people and human nature... also in my DNA. Compassion - DNA. Love chocolate, cheese and wine - DNA. Hate snakes - DNA. Book Smart, People Stupid... yep, it's right there in my DNA. But what's ALSO in that DNA is... passion.
Passion is what your Soul craves. What drives your mind to think and your heart to feel. When you've been broken and think you have no passion, it is just dormant while you need to recover. But there's a piece stuck to you somewhere.
The definition of Bucket List is "A wish list of things to do before you kick the bucket"... And if you want to know what your passion is - start a Bucket List!
It may be a list of places you want to visit or things you want to do or experiences you want to live out, or animals you want to see. It may be a list of foods you want to eat, wines you want to drink, meals you want to cook. It may be a list of things you want to photograph or paint or carve. It may be a list of all these things... But... I promise you...
You will find your passion and maybe even your "purpose" in there. Because your own personal Bucket List is in your DNA. And that piece that's stuck to you will never leave. Get over it! Make peace with it. Take your time... Life is just that --- Life! That piece is along for the ride, however long it takes. If you get cut on it, you will bleed. Clean the wound, put a Band Aid on it and learn from it. When you've recovered and you can do it, take another look at that piece. It's not going anywhere.
My piece... the one that stuck to me and kept cutting me... It is my love of nature, especially animals, and my need to take pictures of them. Photography has been my nemesis. It has given me panic attacks and so much pain. But it is in my DNA. I love animals! I genuinely love children, and people, in general, too but my experiences have jaded me. That's reality. I adore nature. But my Bucket List... that's where I know what my purpose is! And you know what's NOT on it?
Finding a cure to anything or saving anyone! Learning... Yes! Understanding... Definitely! But the curing and the saving of the world is not up to me. That's on someone else's Bucket List. That's in someone else's DNA. And I'm okay with that...
Now.
