In my 20s I thought life was about “family”… NOT the
way I’d grown up, more like the Brady Bunch… No, that was a little too
idealistic even, maybe… Bewitched was more of what I considered closer to
normal, or Gilligan’s Island… Yes, that’s it… a group of “castaways” that are
lost on an island and become a “family” of sorts. I wanted to get married, get
the right job (we didn’t call it a career back then), buy a house, have a baby
(or 3), and find the perfect place to settle down and raise my baby (or 3). But
above all – Keep in shape and don’t let anything change! Keep dancing, playing
softball, doing gymnastics, working out with weights at the gym, playing
racquetball, tennis, going to the beach, hiking, riding bicycles, riding
motorcycles, going 4-wheeling (as in 4-wheel-drive trucks, Jeeps, Blazers,
Broncos), go camping, water skiing, snow skiing, keep dancing (I meant to
repeat that one).. Keep Dancing!!! … And to the best of my ability… I did! At
the risk of my body’s tolerance and my own personal health and well-being, I
did it all! I was Wonder Woman/Supermom… and I got very sick!
In my 30s I started to see that I was different, and
idealistic, and that being Wonder Woman/Supermom wasn’t working out for me. I
began to see how I’d always been different and I thought I needed to change and
learn to be like everyone else and get well and healthy again. I was still a
little idealistic though and believed in those hidden powers that would reverse
autoimmune disease/disorders – all 4 of the ones that had taken over my body! I
thought if I just totally understood how the mind/body/emotions worked and the
nature of all disorders, diseases, and dysfunctions, I could FIX IT ALL! I am
naturally an extremely hard-working, diligent, perfectionist. I have always
pushed the limits of my Self in every way… so why would this be any different?
Figure out what went wrong and FIX IT! That has probably been my mindset since
I was born… What’s wrong? How did it get that way? How do I fix it? I spent my
30s mastering this... “FIX IT!”
But… not everything
can be fixed!
Not all diseases can be healed and not all dysfunctions can
be made functional and some autoimmune disorders cannot be reversed. Oh me oh
my… what’s an idealistic, “goody two shoes”, Polly Anna, perfectionist, Wonder
Woman/Supermom supposed to do???
In my 40s I learned that I am different… Wait, isn’t that
what I’d already learned? Didn’t I learn that in my 30s? Well… Yes! But in my
40s I took it to another level – Like to the top of the Empire State
Building!!! In their 40s, MEN have their “mid-life crisis”… So why did I have a
complete crumbling of my own? I was a woman having a complete breakdown of
faith and crises of Self, all my beliefs and hopes and dreams. The realities of
life crashed in on me like a Tsunami and crushed my heart! I had lost my
guidance (my grandparents) and my compass was broken and everything I thought I
had known I realized was all not true! Well, that’s how it felt! My foundation
was shattered and I was in quicksand. Every movement sucked me further down…
but I couldn’t just do nothing! I am the girl who FIXES IT! I am Wonder
Woman/Supermom and … Oh I forgot to mention I’m also “Darling Daughter”!
In my 40s I learned the truly hard lessons of life… Reality
and Truth! And the truth hurts! Quicksand! No GPS! Broken Compass! Alone! Swim
Patty Swim! No… Don’t Move! You’re in Quicksand!... I learned to just be still
and breathe!
In my 40s (and the first year of my 50s because I am just
that special) I moved 13 times! I had to start over 13 times! I learned the hard
way. If your foundation is weak it will crumble and fall away and you will
crash! Hard! In my 40s I learned the most valuable lesson of all – TRUST! When
you trust the wrong people or trust in the wrong things you will get hurt!
Really really hurt! Really really bad! Your world will come tumbling down and
you will find yourself in a pile of rubble out in the middle of nowhere… or …
in a “Shack on Jacks in the Sticks” (a dilapidated trailer outside of Ojai).
That’s where I learned to be still and breathe.
I had always believed in God and I’ve always prayed and I’ve
always felt like there were Angels around me – but… I broke! … I questioned
God. I questioned Life. My reality was not the fairy tale people thought. My
reality was an ugly, sad, painful, train wreck. And I had to dig deep… Walk!
Breathe! I had the dogs. I had Droo and Cloe. They needed to be walked and fed.
Thank God. They loved car rides and day trips to the beach. Thank God. And I
often had Buddy too… 3 Angel babies to love me and need me. Thank God. Thank
God. Thank God. In my 40s I learned all about TRUST! Trust only your tried and
true lifelong friends, your daughter, and your dogs! And then… rebuild your
foundation so you can find your faith again and trust in God… and then,
yourself!
In my 50s… Well, since 50 is the New 30… I am coming full
circle! Truth! Word! Everything I’ve ever been through in my life I am
revisiting… Or should I say it is all catching up with me! Wonder Woman? Not so
much! Acceptance without guilt or shame… not so easy… it is the goal.
Forgiveness is a big word because it is a big thing! And I have now moved 14
times. But this time it is starting over with a foundation underneath me that I
can trust!
TRUST is that double-edge sword that I’ve been wounded by
over and over and must make peace with. You can’t beat yourself up for not
knowing what you don’t know! I learned a valuable lesson from a shark… If you
find yourself in the water with a shark… Float!... Don’t move or a make a
sound! Be still! Just Float! It’s the same with Quicksand… Just be still!
Eventually the shark swims away. Eventually someone throws you a life line. In
my 50s I am being tested on all that I have learned. Reality – check! Truth –
check! Faith – check! Who you can trust – check! What Love is – check! Who your
“family” really is – check! Acceptance – yea that’s what the 50s is all about…
now that you know… forgive, let go, accept, and don’t take any more shit! I’m
still here for a reason. I get to start over and I am grateful. I appreciate
everything. I love and feel with my whole being and if I’m different that is
ok. Wonder Woman? Hah! There’s no such thing! We are all just human beings
doing what we know and always changing, learning, growing. In my 50s I am
GRATEFUL! In my 50s I am reconnecting with the things and people from my
childhood that are putting me back together again! And it is good! I’ve learned
that if you let the negative, sadness, of the past gently fall away… it does.
If you keep acknowledging it and letting it flow through you and letting it go…
it gets easier and easier. If you keep refocusing on the positive things in
life and appreciation for good… it also gets easier and it builds upon itself.
The sadness gets less and less being replaced with peace, then appreciation,
then joy. It really does. It takes time and diligence but it really does get
better.
